1.Original: Solving trivial problems in the dorm will add your social experience and help you to understand other people’s feelings and learn to be kind.

    Revised: Solving trivial problems in the dorm will enrich your social experience and help you to understand other people’s feelings and learn to be considerate.

    亮點(diǎn)評(píng)析

    add，kind表達(dá)的含義都比較寬泛。add可以指數(shù)量上的增加，也可以指程度的加強(qiáng)，對(duì)于“豐富經(jīng)驗(yàn)、增加知識(shí)”這個(gè)意思，用enrich會(huì)使表達(dá)更準(zhǔn)確。kind從字面意義上講是“好的、善良的”，用kind來形容人無法具體地表現(xiàn)出一個(gè)人的性格特征到底怎樣，原句中是想表達(dá)“考慮周到、體貼入微”的特點(diǎn)，要準(zhǔn)確表達(dá)這個(gè)含義應(yīng)選擇considerate。

    2.Original: Science and technology have greatly influenced our lives and our society is changing very rapidly.

    Revised: Science and technology have come to pervade every aspect of our lives and, as a result, society is changing at a speed which is quite unprecedented.

    亮點(diǎn)評(píng)析

    greatly，rapidly屬于常用詞，表示程度高、速度快，這樣的詞在表達(dá)效果上不夠具體，缺乏說服力，在修改后的句子中用了pervade every aspect of our lives就具體生動(dòng)地表現(xiàn)出科技的影響力到底有多大，其影響力已滲透到我們生活的方方面面，at a speed which is quite unprecedented意為“以一種前所未有的速度”，形象地道出了變化速度之快。

    3.Original: Young people tend to think that real life is as nice and interesting as it is in the novels and movies, while more experienced adults think this kind of naive daydream will only be destroyed by later experiences and every one should learn to get used to common everyday life.

    Revised: Young people tend to think that real life is as dramatic and fascinating as it is in the novels and movies, while more experienced adults think this kind of naive daydream will only be destroyed by later experiences and every one should learn to get used to tedious everyday life.

    亮點(diǎn)評(píng)析

    nice，interesting，common都屬于普通詞匯，用到句子中也顯得平淡蒼白。nice的意思是“好的，令人愉快的”，interesting是“有趣的”，這兩個(gè)詞都不能準(zhǔn)確地描繪出年輕人所憧憬的美好生活，句中想表達(dá)的是年輕人認(rèn)為生活如同小說、電影一般充滿戲劇變化，激動(dòng)人心，要體現(xiàn)這層含義應(yīng)該用dramatic，fascinating。dramatic表示“刺激的，戲劇性的，給人深刻印象的”，fascinating表示“具有強(qiáng)烈吸引力的，迷人的，使人神魂顛倒的”，這兩個(gè)詞的程度要比nice，interesting深得多，表現(xiàn)力也更強(qiáng)。原句用common表達(dá)實(shí)際的現(xiàn)實(shí)生活的枯燥無味是不準(zhǔn)確的，common的意思是“普通的，平常的”，普通平常的東西不一定是枯燥的，tedious是表示“(因過長、過慢或單調(diào))令人厭倦的，煩人的”，恰好傳達(dá)出現(xiàn)實(shí)生活由于瑣碎和重復(fù)而變得索然無味這種含義。

    4.Original: You should compete to live in this society.

    Revised: You should compete for survival; otherwise, you will be thrown out of the tide of society.

    亮點(diǎn)評(píng)析

    原句平平淡淡，只是告訴人們要在社會(huì)立足，必須競爭，但這樣一句簡單的勸告似乎缺乏說服力，修改后的句子用了compete for survival，為了生存而競爭，而且后面又添加了一個(gè)并列分句，補(bǔ)充說明了如果不compete的后果就是be thrown out of the tide of society，被社會(huì)的浪潮所淘汰，使用這些更加具體深刻的詞匯能夠形象生動(dòng)地表現(xiàn)出競爭的慘烈。

     5.Original: I really believe that smoking is harmful to people’s health.

    Revised: I have a profound conviction that smoking is harmful to people’s health.

    亮點(diǎn)評(píng)析

    conviction的意思是“堅(jiān)定的看法或信仰”，have a profound conclusion表示對(duì)某種看法深信不疑，作文中提出觀點(diǎn)的句子用have a profound conclusion會(huì)比用believe態(tài)度更堅(jiān)決，立場更鮮明，而且believe這個(gè)詞非常簡單，是英語初學(xué)者就應(yīng)掌握的詞匯，換成have a profound conclusion立即增加了句子的復(fù)雜程度，體現(xiàn)了較強(qiáng)的語言運(yùn)用能力。類似的提出觀點(diǎn)的表達(dá)還有：

    I hold a point of view that…

    I hold the opinion that…