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| "Life without love is one dead end street." Carole King "The book of life is brief, and once a page is read, all but love is dead." Don McLean Modern times are difficult for lovers (see my post here)-perhaps more so than in most previous eras. These difficulties stem from the nature of our emotional system and the prevailing norms in modern society. Since emotions are generated when we perceive a significant change in our situation, emotional intensity decreases as familiarity increases. This difficulty is amplified in light of two major developments in modern society: (a) the lifting of most of the constraints that once prevented long-term committed relationships from dissolving, and (b) the apparent presence of so many attractive alternatives that offer the promise of replacing any given committed romantic relationship. Nowadays, getting out of a committed relationship and getting into a new one is much easier. Staying within a committed relationship has become a choice that requires us to constantly reexamine its value in light of, among other issues, the presence of romantic love. New circumstances such as these make the lives of modern lovers more complex. They face not only constant doubts about which road to take, but also constant regret about the many roads not taken. The abundance of alternatives and the perpetual possibility of getting something "better" undermine commitment. The gap between the present and the potentially possible can never be bridged, even if it seems easy to do so. In this manner, the realm of infinite possibilities becomes a tyrannical force, keeping one from enjoying the present. When many alternatives are available, settling for one's lot is extremely difficult. Modern society has witnessed an increasing discrepancy between the desire for enduring romantic relationship and the probability of its fulfillment. Breakup, rather than marriage, is the norm in dating relationships. In addition to the fact that in many societies about 50% of all marriages end in divorce, the majority of the remaining 50% have at some point seriously considered divorce. These circumstances, in particular the availability of love outside marriage, have forced people to give love a more significant place in their concepts of marriage. The "sweetness" of a marriage, and in particular love itself, becomes the focus of intense scrutiny. Since both partners have now perpetual choice, they must invest more and more resources in maintaining the romantic relationship and in calculating the probability of its demise by the partner's withdrawal. The greater burden of maintaining the relationship may in some cases decrease its attractiveness and make it more ambiguous, and often more distressing to the partners, as they are constantly vulnerable to anxieties, distrust, and insecurity. Borrowing Charles Dickens' saying about the French Revolution to the romantic realm, we may say that these are indeed, "The best of times, the worst of times." These are indeed hard times for lovers: Many romantic relationships do not last for long and many others are crumbling; lovers are constantly perplexed about their current relationship and possible tempting alternatives. However, despite the difficulties of maintaining long-term romantic relationships in modern times, this is also a flourishing time for love, even a time of its renaissance. Love is on the mind of a greater number of people and its presence is a major criterion for more relationships. Love cannot be dismissed anymore as silly fantasy; it is perceived as realistic and feasible for many more people. Love has made an impressive comeback. And rightly so. The above view concerning the comeback of love in modern society can be encapsulated in the following declaration that a lover might express: "Darling, although the chances of you remaining my lover are lower than in previous eras, the chances of us staying together while still being in love are greater. And I would not exchange this era with any of the previous ones. Security is good, but a loving relationship is even better." “沒有愛情的人生就如一條死胡同！”Carole King “人生的篇章苦短，每翻過一頁，凡事都將消亡，唯有愛永生�！盌on McLean 當今對夫妻們而言實在是痛苦的煎熬，其嚴峻程度或許在人類歷史上也堪稱名列前茅。這種煎熬的根源就在于人類喜新厭舊的天性以及當代社會婚姻家庭之中出現(xiàn)的新風氣。況且，只有在周圍的環(huán)境有了顯著改變時人的情感才會萌生。因此，彼此之間越熟悉，感情的熱度就會越低。 此外，隨著維系夫妻關(guān)系長久的諸多有利因素紛紛消失，再加上種種誘惑夫妻雙方感情出軌機會的存在，都使得維持長久關(guān)系面臨著嚴峻考驗。時下，拋棄老相好，投進新懷抱更是易如反掌。將夫妻之間的關(guān)系長久維持下去對許多人來說成了一種抉擇，要求我們在移情別戀時（當然還有其他諸多因素）重新審視夫妻關(guān)系持久的價值所在。 如今社會上出現(xiàn)的這些新現(xiàn)象也使得夫妻在感情生活當中遇到的事情更為復(fù)雜，棘手。他們不單會迷茫該選擇哪一條婚姻道路，還會經(jīng)常遺憾錯過了更多其他可選的婚姻之路。選擇的余地越大，總想找到“更好的”伴侶無形之中都會傷及兩性關(guān)系的持久性。眼前的和潛在的婚姻關(guān)系之間所存在的鴻溝永遠都無法彌合，雖然看上去容易。因而，可選的交際對象越多從而演化成一股強大的破壞力，使得雙方不懂得珍惜現(xiàn)有的關(guān)系。在談婚論嫁時，可挑的對象越多，就越容易眼花，越難以心定。 如今，維持夫妻關(guān)系的愿望與其可能性之間的差距越來越大。勞燕分飛，而非步入婚姻的殿堂，在戀愛關(guān)系中日益流行。盡管在多數(shù)國家，約有一半的婚姻以離婚告終，余下的多數(shù)也都曾有過離婚的念頭。 這些現(xiàn)象，特別是婚外戀的普及，迫使人們在自身的婚姻理念當中賦予愛情更為重要的地位�；橐龅摹疤鹈邸�，尤其是愛情本身，成了人們審視的焦點。在兩性關(guān)系中，一旦認定要和對方“執(zhí)子之手，與之偕老”，雙方就必須更加用心地去呵護這段感情，并做好若對方選擇放棄所帶來的最壞打算。個別情況下，若維護感情的擔子越沉重，這段感情的吸引力就會下降，其前景也就尤為黯淡，使雙方更加心力交悴，因為他們會經(jīng)常不斷地感到焦慮、不信任，缺乏安全感。 借用狄更斯在提及法國大革命時的名言，當今的年代對夫妻關(guān)系而言可謂是“最好的時代，最壞的時代”，世道艱難：多數(shù)兩性關(guān)系維持不了多久就宣告破裂，其他的也大多是在苦苦地、艱難地維系著。 不過，盡管維持長久的兩性關(guān)系確實存在著諸多困難，時下也是人們心中愛情之河涌流，甚至奔騰的黃金時期。愛情的種子開始在眾人心底萌芽，愛情也成了夫妻、情侶關(guān)系的試金石。比起空中樓閣式的幻想，愛情來得更為牢固、可靠，更加現(xiàn)實、真切。愛情的激流已經(jīng)勢不可擋地在人們心田重新流淌開來。的確本該如此。 下面這段愛的表白可以將上述論斷貼切地歸于一爐：“親愛的，雖說和以前的時代相比，眼下我們比較難以白頭偕老，但我們更有可能恩恩愛愛地在一起。我只希望生活在當下。有安全感固然不錯，可是有愛情滋潤的夫妻關(guān)系更加甜美�！� |
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