In many countries, the number of elderly people is increasing fast. To what extent do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?
Nowadays, owning to the improvement of living condition（這里習(xí)慣用復(fù)數(shù)）, people can live much longer than before, which gives rise to the fast increasing number of elderly people. Some hold that this situation will result in a series of problems, such as social burden, population expansion and so on. While others insist that it agrees the development of modern society and brings many advantages. For my part, I take the latter side with（用for） the following reasons: （74words）
點(diǎn)評(píng)：開(kāi)頭稍微寫的有點(diǎn)長(zhǎng)，不過(guò)內(nèi)容寫的還不錯(cuò)。屬于通過(guò)分析兩種不同觀點(diǎn)，最后闡述自己觀點(diǎn)的寫法。（此種寫法在雅思大作文的第一段比較常見(jiàn)）
美中不足的是倒數(shù)第二句的錯(cuò)誤比較明顯！while是個(gè)連詞，應(yīng)該連接句子與句子，所以這里前面不應(yīng)該是句號(hào)。后面agree是不及物動(dòng)詞，不能直接加賓語(yǔ)。
Firstly, elder people（一會(huì)兒elderly people,一會(huì)兒又elder people，這不是自相矛盾么�。。。� are the fortune of our society. They have enough experiences and capabilities which are badly lacked and needed for our youth when dealing with all sorts of problems, they can still do well in their jobs. Especially（前面應(yīng)該用逗號(hào)，然后這里小寫） in some professions, such as teacher, doctor, scientist and so on, sometimes （前面應(yīng)該用句號(hào)，然后這里大寫）age means the authority and ability. When you see a doctor, do you prefer an elderly doctor with grey hair or a youth without mustache? (77words)
Secondly, elder people（同上） are the happiness of our society. Increasing number of elderly people is also the embodiment of our improving living quality, which shows our society run（應(yīng)該第三人稱單數(shù)）to the right and healthy direction, we（前面句號(hào)，這里大寫） have more chance and time to serve our elderly people, and it’s the happiest time of all our life to accompany with（accompany是及物動(dòng)詞） our parents, grandparents and great grandparents. (63words)
Finally, elderly people are the lubricant of our society. They have good temper and enough patients(應(yīng)該是patience吧) to do anything, they can help us to intercede（它是不及物動(dòng)詞，而且主要用人作賓語(yǔ)） social disputes, and they make our society much more harmonious which（前面最好有個(gè)逗號(hào)）makes for the construction of harmonious society.(43words)
正文段綜合點(diǎn)評(píng)：此篇是典型的5段式作文的寫作，正文段構(gòu)思出三個(gè)分論點(diǎn)來(lái)證明自己的觀點(diǎn)，的確在構(gòu)思上花了不少心思。但是，這里我想提的是，還是兩方面都分析一下會(huì)比較好一點(diǎn)。特別這篇文章是問(wèn)優(yōu)點(diǎn)多還是缺點(diǎn)多，那么最好是缺點(diǎn)講一個(gè)，然后優(yōu)點(diǎn)再講兩個(gè)。外國(guó)人喜歡這樣的辯證分析。
其次，總的來(lái)說(shuō)，作者的語(yǔ)言還是挺流暢的。但是似乎標(biāo)點(diǎn)有問(wèn)題，該用句號(hào)的時(shí)候用逗號(hào)，改用逗號(hào)的時(shí)候用句號(hào)，這個(gè)也要扣分的！
From mentioned above, the advantages of increasing number of elderly people are obvious more than it disadvantages（典型的Chinese English.應(yīng)該說(shuō)there are obviously more advantages than disadvantages.）. Elderly people are not the burden of our society but the source of fortune, happiness and harmony of our society.(37words)
全文總評(píng)：
盡管總的來(lái)說(shuō)語(yǔ)言水平還是很不錯(cuò)的，內(nèi)容也寫得很充實(shí)，但缺點(diǎn)是語(yǔ)言方面還是不夠細(xì)膩。此文7分。 |
